I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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