he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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