Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
