I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I smell like Dick and happiness
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
