I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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