im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
