My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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