We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
