Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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