I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
i out mim tonsoeep
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