I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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