How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
