I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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