Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
