So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I just got carded by a ten year old.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
