I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
