just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Randomize
