all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
So squirting runs in the family.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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