made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
