That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
