fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
