Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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