Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
