I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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