Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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