4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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