You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
