you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
