First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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