There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
so much tequila, so little girl.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
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