You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
