So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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