So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
