I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
