There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
