three words: i give head
three words: not that well
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
My apartment stinks of burning failure
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
