My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
