I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
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