my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
