Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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