And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
