is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
