I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
