I met the friendliest cop last night
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
