my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
