If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
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