He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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