If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
4 words: hood of his car
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
