Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I look better un-naked...
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Randomize
