just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
wat bout pragnant strippers??
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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