how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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