tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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