she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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