I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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