I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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