He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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