I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
