he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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