when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
