I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
