If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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