This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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