Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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