she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
