he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
