My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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