your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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