I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Success! We fucked roommates!
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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